I sit and watch as one by one something of mine is leaving. There are some of you who have experienced this and know the feeling of having to start over, reset, new. It is frightening and yet for those willing to face the obstacles, I have heard it is rewarding.
Summer 1994, my grandfather said these words to me, "Little Girl, you make me so proud because you do things most people won't." It was the very first time someone had told me that they were proud of me. I do the things that most people won't. I take chances and believe in faith. I believe that if I am able to face down my fears and keep holding steady to faith I will gain so much on the other side. You see, the other side for me has been fear. Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of losing everything, fear of being homeless, fear of having to be alone. Faith for me means having to face down my fears one at a time and see what happens on the other side.
I have witnessed people who have been in unimaginable situations and marveled that they survived. I have a mentor who took a step of faith and even she was faced with an obstacle that could have stopped her in her tracks. She was scared, a parent in a new town with a child who became sick. She had limited funds, no apartment and yet her child had to go to the hospital. She is fine and so is her child. She landed a great job and found a really nice apartment. Her life, is a testimony of what holding on to faith means even in the moment of being tested. I can only imagine the thoughts of fear that plagued her during her ordeal. I ask myself about her strength and how she managed but she did and her story is one that gives me strength.
I am facing my biggest obstacle and test. I laugh at the word "test" because there was a time in which College Algebra was a great fear. I passed it with an "A" and told my closest friend if I could do that I could do anything. A few people have already told me this is foolish and that I should turn back. My coming to Montana was my biggest mistake. Some admitted that they saw this happening. I had a few tell me to quit school, dump the dogs and get my priorities straight. Nothing that I am hearing is any different than what I fight daily in my head. I lived a life of being hard on myself enough to know how to successfully beat my own spirit into submission. I made a promise years ago that I would be kinder to myself and not let self doubt stop me. I have to remain strong and hold tightly to faith. If I could make it through College Algebra I should be able to make it through this moment. (smile)
Today, I will think about my grandfather who is no longer with us. I know he would hate to see me in this situation but at the same time wonder where it will lead me. I think he would agree with the many close friends who are showering me with encouragement, prayers and support to keep going forward. Life is too short to stop and turn back because you are afraid of tomorrow.
Thank you for following along with me on this leg of my journey.
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